My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
