meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
