how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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