I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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