i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
