jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
