Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
