so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
