Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
