I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
