Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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