woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
