can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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