hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
