Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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