I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
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IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
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you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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