Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
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Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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