So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
How does it feel to date your dad?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
