To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
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I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
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I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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