Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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