they need to just BURY HIM!
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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