I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
