Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
