dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
