when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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