Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
