So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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