you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
