He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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