why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
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