I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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