I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
How external is "for external use only"?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
not ubering you a puppy
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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