Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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