You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
