She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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