Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
