Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
