I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
