You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
3 2 1 whiskey
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
