There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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