Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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