fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
