and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I'm really busy with my period
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
