All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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