Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
