I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
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I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
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Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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