Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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