I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
