just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
