I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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