summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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