i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
