I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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