A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
two words...techno handjob
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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