proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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