oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
