Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
