dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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