im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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