I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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