she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
